wetwool

because you never forget that funny smell

Category: occupation (page 3 of 3)

Strange but True


The author Mark Twain wrote: Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.

A few weeks ago I came across a bizzare incident that reinforced my belief in this idea.

It all began when I was interrupted from my compulsory afternoon nap by my youngest daughter.” We have a serious water leak, dad”, she said. “Come and look at this.”

cracked tiles

There was an unusual urgency in her voice and I rushed out of bed cursing softly to find her examining a large wet patch on the carpet near the radiator by the bottom of the stairs. She moved aside allowing me to take a look and I felt the pipes, trying to discover the source of the leak. I bent down closer and was smacked by a cold hard drop of water right in the middle of my growing solar panel. Phap! I discovered it was coming from above. On looking up I let out a groan of despair. The ceiling above our heads was sagging with the weight of water and it seemed about to burst. What was the meaning of this? The room above us was the bathroom. Did we have leaking pipes in there? What damage had been done? How much would it cost to put right? I rushed upstairs fearing the wost. In a moment I realised what the problem was. A cracked wall tile was letting in water and this was going down the wall onto the ceiling of the floor below. The whole wall would need to be re tiled. The kind of job i personally hated.

I presented the problem to the lady of the house as soon as she got home from work. I was in hysterics at the time wondering what we would do etc. She, ever calm in a disaster reassured me that it was not the end of the world. I went out to work leaving her to deal with it all. Later that evening my wife called me at work to say that she had found a reliable plumber/carpenter to come and carry out the repairs. He was well experienced and actually worked for one of the colleges. He came highly recommended by my wife’s work colleague who happened to be his sister, he was reasonable and he could start work in the morning.

Next day I was half asleep when I answered the door to a well-turned out young man. He said his name was Mick and he had come about the bathroom. I showed him everything and in a few moments he got down to work. Someone must have mentioned that I worked the night shift because he worked ever so quietly. With the bathroom door closed you would not have known there was anyone in there. Also unlike most plumbers or fundis he did not have the loud Boom Box playing Radio One with opinionated djs causing a disturbance of the peace. I soon resumed my slumber just in time to catch the 3rd episode of sweet dreams. Mick finished tearing out the tiles and preparing the wall that afternoon. He said that would come the next morning to begin the retiling and all being well the entire job would be completed by early evening.

Next morning. No Mick. To say that I was angry would be an understatement. I was incandescent. I held my tongue and waited until 11.00. I called my wife. I wanted to know why the nice man had gone awol leaving the bathroom looking like a building site. What were we going to do now? She called his sister to find out if she knew anything and the news we got was not good. This is what she said.

Mick had gone to her place that very evening looking very happy. He had brought his little boy to play with her own son. They chatted as she prepared dinner for the kids. Mick told her that the woman he was doing the bathroom for had given him a small advance and he would nip down to the shops to get them a few cans. He left his son there and went off to the shops. When Mick had been gone nearly an hour she thought to call him on his mobile. He apologised for the delay and said that he was on his way. She was not amused that he had been gone for so long. She reminded him that his son was still with her. He was to come home immediately and take him home. An hour later, still no Mick. She tried his phone but it went straight to voice-mail. She put the kids to bed and went off to sleep.

The next morning she got a call from the intensive care unit at the JR hospital. Her brother, Mick had been admitted in the early hours. He had severe injuries and it looked like he had been the victim of a very serious assault. When she got there he was recording a statement with the police. He admitted to them that when he left his sister’s flat he had gone to buy some weed in Littlemore. He smoked some before heading back to his sister’s. He could not recall anything about the attack or how he got to hospital.

That afternoon my wife showed me a small article in the local paper about another victim of a serious assault. He had lost his phone, wallet and several teeth in the incident. Police believed that the attack was linked to other recent muggings in the area. Mick was lucky because when they sent him up for a scan it turned out that his injuries though painful were superficial. He was able to leave hospital and recuperate at home. He resumed work two days later and finished our bathroom as promised. When I spoke to him about the incident he said he was still unable to recall anything about the attack. We agreed that his attackers must have got him from behind giving him no chance. All is well that ends well. Except that in this case there was more to come.

Mick’s sister has an eighth floor flat in an Oxford estate. Two evenings ago she was coming in from work when she met Marge, their retired neighbour on the ground floor. Marge’s flat was the one nearest the entrace to the flats. She had just come back from a two weeks’ holiday in Corfu

“How is your brother now”, Marge asked.

“Oh, he is much better, thank goodness”, replied the sister

“Do you know, it was my Frank who sat by him as I went to call the ambulance”?

“Your Frank? What ambulance” Mick’s sister seemed confused. What on earth was Marge talking about?

Marge realised that she needed to explain. It was like this.

Marge and her husband Frank were going off to Corfu for their annual two week’s holiday that night. They had booked for a taxi to take them to the coach station in time to catch the 02.30 coach for Gatwick airport. Just after 0215 they heard an almighty crash coming from the top flats.

The crashing sound came down the stairs and stopped when whatever it was had got to the bottom. Frank went out to check. He found the limp body of a young man crushed beneath a smashed up bicycle. He called out to his wife and they both thought the young man was dead. They called an ambulance which arrived in a matter of minutes. The paramedics realised that there were signs of life and decided to get him to intensive care with minimum delay. Marge and Frank were left wondering what to do. Just then their taxi pulled up. The driver urged them to hurry saying that they would have to leave immeadiately due to some temporary traffic lights along the route that were causing delays. Like most neighbours Marge did not have a contact number for Mick’s sister to let her know what had transpired and ofcourse once they were aboard the coach to the airport they had put everything else behind them.

crashed

A Friend In Need

testing times


When I showed this story to a good pal of mine the other day the response that I got was totally unexpected. Saima sent me an email and all but accused me of being unfair, short sighted and ignorant. She said that like a majority of the public I did not recognise how unfair the testing and examining regime is to very many people – why should the whole future of an otherwise talented young person be determined by a set of tests?

Read a little of what she said:

“…….Hi Woolie, trust that you’re well.

I must let you know how disappointed I was when I read your comments. The actions of this guy who sat the test on behalf of his prospective MP should commended. He behaved as a true friend. Clement Waibara ofcourse went on to beat the other fifteen candidates in a landslide victory. Clearly Waibara had leadership qualities which his opponents may not have shown.

Woolie, back in my day I impersonated a terrified young lady and took the driving test for her. Word got round and soon I realised that there was a demand for this sort of service. My list of prospects grew and with a bit of reluctance I introduced a modest fee. That did not stop them and I sat more tests. I grew greedier and increased the fees but still they came; I sat more and more tests for people and the cash kept rolling in. The deception now extended to different examinations and tests in all towns and cities across the country and my typical day back then would have me sit a couple of driving tests, a medical test, perhaps a pregnancy test or two and several drug/alcohol tests for anxious employers. My best earners were driving and accountancy candidates.

Woolie, the test system is the most unfair way of determining a candidate’s suitability. It is designed to bottle-neck applicants opening doors to the priviledged few and denying opportunities for the many. After making my fortune abusing this system I now spend my time campaigning for fairer ways of assesing candidates’ suitabilities…..”

Does she have a point?


Winter Blues

The Meteorological office is warning that heavy snow and freezing temperatures are expected to continue for at least another two weeks.

This follows Some of the heaviest snow fall in over 20 years. There has been heavy snow in the north-east of England and the Scottish borders, with reports of up to 30cm (12in) falling since early Tuesday. Parts of the northern Highlands saw just short of half a metre of snow.

There was also heavy snowfall in central and southern England and parts of the South West and south Wales. Counties affected included Surrey, Sussex, Hampshire Wiltshire, Dorset, Berkshire and parts of Gloucestershire, Buckinhamshire and Oxfordshire.

sailing

With the wide disruption to road and rail transport thousands of schools remained closed and hospitals cancelled out-patient appointments. It was estimated that 50% of the nations entire work-force stayed away from work.

sailing

Happy New Year 2010


sailing




So I’m standing here again watching the world go by and everywhere there are chants of Out with the Old, In with the New! And I find that I am in agreement with all of them.

2009 was a non-year and it gave us nothing new or special. It was the year of Natural mediocrity with bad weather, poor harvests, forest fires, drought and natural disaster.

2009 was a year of the doldrums. Like a broken record playing the same bit of music again and again and again it gave me nothing but dizziness and a mild headache. For too many people it was a question of running faster and faster to remain at the same spot.

Nothing stays forever and this notorious year is now coming to an end. Will there be lessons that we can take with us into 2010 to avoid a repeat of the year when nothing amounted to anything? Usain Bolt smashed the 100m world record and after 3 days it was like, “so what?”

I am reminded that the underlying cause of all this despondency is the global recession. With millions of people out of work and thousands more losing their jobs everyday perhaps there is little to cheer about. But how does that explain the poor report-cards that we have for our Politicians, the Police and even the Legal Sytem. Why do so many people from every walk of life complain that the standards of service from both the public and private sector have fallen to levels that would have been unacceptable 10 years ago?

Let us move forward into 2010 with a clear vision of what needs to be done.

Wishing you a Happy New Year

Every Sunday Has a Silver Cloud


Like many other people I felt that so many megabytes and too many inches of newsprint had been dedicated to the story of – and the reactions to – the recent London Wedding that there was nothing more to add.

But then I got a letter from my cousin Sui, a church pastor from a parish in the borough of Southwark, London. In the letter she covers much ground but her enduring theme is that of the silver lining in every cloud. Sui asks me to make public a small section of her letter here:

…………but just as I was coming to the end of my sermon the rain came down again. A heavy rain shower driven by wind gusts that were bending tall trees outside smashed against the windows of our small community hall. There was so much water that it over flowed the gutters above to come gushing down to the pavements with great force. I wondered how I was going to avoid getting wet. We had parked the car at the far end of the car-park so that we could make a quick get away avoiding the traffic-hold ups caused by early Sunday shoppers.

A flash of lightening streaked across the grey clouds above.

“So before we close today perhaps we could have a moment of silent prayer for the two young men who recently got married in London to wish them the best….”, I begun, but no sooner had I said that and there was a sudden commotion as people rushed to get out of the hall. Just a handfull of worshippers remained seated.

We concluded the service with the hymn ” How great Thou art” which seemed appropriate given the thunder and lightening going on outside.

When the last of the faithful had left my partner suggested that in her view perhaps I had been wrong to raise the issue of the “London Wedding” as this had clearly driven away a large section of my congregation. She feared that they would not return. The heavy downpour continued with no signs of abating.

As I contemplated what my partner was saying I noticed that in their haste some of the congregation had left their belongings behind. These included several umbrellas, handbags, a small briefcase, a lap-top, a video-recorder, a mobile phone with charger, an iPod and a baby’s cot.

“Always look on the bright side, dearest,” I said choosing two of the largest umbrellas, “At least you’re not going to get wet”.

We locked away the rest of the “lost property” and made our way to the car.

Wetwool, I hope that you can put this on your blog just incase any of your readers would like to claim an item of lost property perhaps they can get in touch with me on 01234 567890. Please ask Melissa to get in touch, next time you see her. Remind Baba Mbuye that the goats that he left at Uncle’s……..”

your cousin,

Pastor Sui


a new truth


“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
The opening line of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice

There is a new truth today that is rapidly gaining acceptance in our digitally connected age. It is a truth that many will learn by painful and costly experience, a truth so blatantly obvious and yet notoriously easy to ignore.
My ward-mate at the Mental health institute says that we ignore this truth at our peril. A self-made business man who left school at form IV to start work at the vegetable market, Ali has always been self employed and has never had to call anyone his boss. His businesses prospered and Ali moved into the stocks and shares market at the turn of the century.

Just over a year ago Ali ventured into on line trading buying stuff at auctions and selling it off in one or two of the main auction sites. His quick calculative mind allowed him to set up some impressive trades and before long he was doing it full-time. It paid the bills and left him in good profit but his quest was for that elusive Big deal. At around this time Ali had become quite fond of a “tipple” in the evening.

Ali takes up the story:

Wool, like anyone else, I just liked a glass of wine or a drop of whiskey as I watched telly in the comfort of my own house…what harm was I doing to anyone? When the telly got too boring with the endless interviews of lying politicians by ego hungry presenters I would go online to catch up on my emails. It started as a pattern which became a bit of a habit. After a few weeks I was coming straight into the house and heading for the desktop PC at the corner of the room. On a small table beside it was my bottle of wine.

something to make you feel better

I remember that it was on a Saturday night that Mrs Ali came to me at the PC and said she felt neglected. I was spending far more time online than with her. Was anything the matter? I apologised profusely, drained the last of the whiskey and took the cat outside. Back indoors I went to the PC to find a nice present for Mrs Ali. As I scoured the pages for something special I came upon an advert that went something like this:

JOB LOT PRODUCTION OVER RUN. SURPLUS STOCK AT FRACTION OF THE COST!!!!

I clicked on the link for further details and as far as I could gather, a men’s luxury shoe manufacturer up North somewhere had over – produced on an order and they wanted to dispose of the surplus stock of 100pcs.

The auction was live and kicking and bidding had reached sixty quid. My wine induced excitement got the better of me. I placed a maximum bid of seventy and waited.
In time they gave me the “good news” that I had won the auction. The final price was sixty-five quid. I had won 100 pcs of luxury shoes for sixty five quid! Huge profits lay ahead my son.

right foot forward

The package duly arrived on the Tuesday and Mrs Ali was standing there beside me as I opened it. The long box contained 100 brand new luxury leather shoes wrapped up in some type of soft tissue paper. There was something odd in that all the 100 shoes were to fit a right foot. There were no pairs.

After a long silence Mrs Ali let out a loud burst of hysterical laughter. She danced around the small dining room clapping her hands and thighs and singing in the vernacular: “come and see a fool, come ye and see for yourselves. He has been conned by conmen, come and see a fool.”
Wool, I was getting angrier by the minute. Mrs Ali seemed to be enjoying herself now and she was intent on carrying on with her mockery. Her dancing and clapping hurt me deeply and to avoid doing something that I would later regret I stormed out of the house. In my mind the single question; Where on earth was I going to sell 100 right foot only shoes, where? My creative thinking had abandoned me at my hour of need.

I drove around the countryside for several hours thinking things over and then parked at a motorway service area where I slept like a baby in the car. It was late night when I got back home. The box of shoes was still on the dining room floor. I went to the shed outside and got out a big shovel which I put in the car together with the box of shoes. I drove to a secluded spot just at the outskirts of town. It was during the process of digging a shallow grave that I was arrested. They officers were very kind but said that they would have to lock me up overnight whilst my story was verified. It was down there in the claustrophobic police cells late that night that I suffered the nervous breakdown.

Ali looked at me with moisture in his eyes. He was my only friend here at the mental institute and I really felt his pain. Mrs Ali had not visited him once in the time that he had been here.
“And the truth that you wanted to share, Ali”, I asked
“Don’t go online when you’ve been drinking”. He sighed, got up and put on his slippers…..


Affiliate marketing, another way


With the ongoing credit crunch and rising prices it looks like the economy is set for really hard times ahead. Unemployment is rising as firms seek to cut costs and for those lucky to be in work there are only so many hours in the day and only so much overtime that one can do.

Perhaps this is the time to give some thought to using the internet to earn some extra cash. Many businesses now sell most of their products and services on-line, taking advantage of the low overhead costs, the fact that the internet is “open for business” 24 hours a day and the internet’s global reach, targetting millions of potential customers right across the world.

An increasingly popular way to generate money online is by becoming an affiliate. Affiliates are websites, forums or blogs that promote a merchant’s products to their readers or members drive potential customers to their website. Customers can be redirected by affiliates using banners and text links pointing to the merchant’s website. Any orders placed by the referred shoppers are tracked using sophisticated software and a share of the order value is paid as a commission to the affiliate.

Affiliate marketing is a useful tool for any business wishing to sell online and many large merchants set aside considerable budgets to build affiliate networks. Big household names like Tesco, Virgin, Amazon and British Airways all have well developed affiliate or associate partner programmes. Many of these are open for anyone to join

To find out more why not visit the following websites for more details on affiliate marketing.

www.buy.at

www.affiliatewindow.com

www.commissionjunction.com


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